What to say when someone you love (who is Christian) is grieving

I was reading an article last night on upworthy (this story) about 8 simple words to say when someone is grieving.  At first I agreed with the article, thinking that though they are helpful later on, platitudes probably aren't appropriate for someone lost in grief.  After all the expert on adversity was probably speaking for the larger population here.  But as the article went on, I began to realize it had very little to offer.  Especially if the grieving person is Christian and their world (and likely faith) has been

8 ways to grieve with a Christian

1. Mourn with them.

One of the reasons that this is so powerful is because it removes you from being a spectator and puts you into the sufferer's reality.  That's not fun for anyone.  It hurts, but I assure you it's worse when you feel alone. Mourning as in a sincere show of shared loss.  As in you can sense the profound toll that this loss will take on your loved one or friend, and you too share in their grief.  Mourning in the bible is described as heaviness, weeping, lamentation and sorrow.  Sometimes it lasts a long time.

I worked at a bank that really emphasized knowing its customers by name.  Because of that I got to know a sweet couple who often came in.  After a couple of months without seeing them, the wife (an excellent person) came in looking a bit shaky.  I asked how she had been and she explained that she had lost the love of her life.   She was there to close their joint account, and probably hadn't realized how hard it would be.  I couldn't help but well up in tears knowing what companions they were.  At the time I had no idea how much that simple bit of mourning meant to her.  She later thanked me and was a sweet support to me as I had my first child.  I still have the blanket she made for our sweet baby girl's birth.  It's amazing how a bit of compassion in the form of tears can tie us together.

2.  Listen to them.

We often want to set all right at the first sight of a loved one's suffering.   We want to take away pain, remove blame and guilt, get revenge or use our means to restore whatever is lost.  That desire isn't bad, but in most cases we simply can't and reopen wounds in the process.   All that is usually helpful  is to quietly listen, without judgement or offering fixes.  If your ideas or input are welcome, the person will usually ask.  They may say 'what do I do?' or ask what you would do in their situation, but most often there is no easy solution.  You can't restore their loss, so just listen, nod, sincerely say what you can observe they are feeling (ie. 'I can tell this really hurts', or ' This is such a heavy thing to to deal with' or 'Wow, this must be overwhelming right now).   It's ok to not have felt it yourself, just showing that you can sense how difficult it is helps.

3.  Ask how you can best help.

Ask "do you want me to just stop by here and there to see you?", or "Do you need time alone right now?".  Offer what you can do within reason.  If you truly can't be available at any time of the night or day, say that you'll do your best, but don't promise to always be there.  When I was in such a bad place trying to deal with my own mortality, I couldn't function, let alone be on time to pick up my kindergartner from school every day on time.  My wonderful aunt who herself had battled cancer (and understood poor health) offered to simply take and pick up my daughter every day.  She did that for 2 months.

4. Comfort them.

My endocrinologist was trying to understand what I was sure was a severe imbalance in my adrenal levels following my pituitary surgery.  He asked how I knew that it was an adrenal issue.  I told him that I felt panic and intense flash of adrenaline that woke me from a dead sleep.  'How do you deal with it?' he asked.  I explained that I kept ginger ale by my bedside and saltines, to combat the diabetic-like crash I felt after the adrenaline.  Then he offered a simple possibility: What if what you're feeling is anxiety, and the food is comforting? My mind was blown.  Here I was dealing with so many specific measurable medical issues and he was suggesting I was able to calm down because eating was comforting.  Right.  I couldn't believe that food could be powerful enough to overhaul my endocrine system and help me relax.  But he was right.  My labs came back normal, and my adrenal as well as cortisol levels were fine.  Food is a powerful comforter!  Bringing someone dinner is meaningful.  Being on the receiving end of well prepared, considerate meals, I can assure you that food can be comforting.  Bring the person food, watch a show together, sjhi cxx                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            bb                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       b                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

4. Be sincere and voice your concerns about them.

I have a promise with some of my most loved ones that if things ever get intense enough that suicide becomes a thought, that they will contact me to let me know, and give things 24 hours before taking any kind of action.  Those promises weren't made in the sunshine with everything being good.  They were conversations we had in the depths of grief, in open and honest question and answer moments.