October 1, 2014

Anxiety doesn't win today

I woke up this morning at the  terrible hour of 5am.  The crazy thing was, that my husband was already up and at em' going to work early, and invigorated by the fresh start.  It's funny how some people are so energized by the early morning hours.  I'm not one of those people.

So why 5 am?  Because my anxiety was kicking in, threatening to ruin my sleep for the day.  I did a few mental exercises and drifted off to sleep for another 40 minutes of sweet light sleep.

And then the adrenaline began.  For me it begins at the base of my neck and spreads down my whole back.  At this point, I knew it was get up or get worse, so I got up.

I tried to find a Yoga video on  Netflix  I could do before the kids had to wake up.  No luck.  Not even a Pilates  or any kind of exercise video to be found.  So I turned on Pandora and did my own exercise  in my room.  Hmm.  After 10 minutes I felt worse, though at least my heart rate was up because of movement, not just adrenaline.  I knelt down and said a prayer for some help with this as I could see it wasn't going away easily.

At this point I was starting to feel like I was going to pass out and laid down.  I knew what was happening.  Classic anxiety for me.

So I decided that my body may be on high alert, ready for all sorts of crashes and trouble, but my mind was not going to join in on the fun.  I put all sorts of ideas about health emergencies and worsening situations out of my head and focused on the tangible.  I took our dog outside, and enjoyed the cool air for about 30 seconds, after which I made a mad dash to the bathroom and threw up.

Throwing up was actually a great relief, and I didn't feel so nauseous anymore.  Weak and trembly and all upset inside, yes, but not so sick.  My sweet daughter woke up to the sound (gross, right?) and came to see if I was ok.  She told me she'd take care of me and brought me her stuffed dog for a pillow and blanket to lay down on the ground with.

It was time to wake up the kiddos, and my hubby called to see if I was up and going.  I told him what had gone down and he was sweet and told me to not worry too much about rushing around (increasing stress) to get the kids out the door.  They could even be late if need be.  That helped a lot to hear his kindness.

I woke up the boys and loved on them, which was good all around.  When they noticed I wasn't moving too fast, I explained I wasn't feeling good, and I tried to explain a little bit of anxiety, but they're young, and mostly keyed in on the 'mamma's sick' part.

They each pledged to do their best to get dressed, brush, get breakfast and ready for school all by themselves.  And guess what?  Blessing of all blessings they did! I told them what they needed to do (from the floor), then  I made myself get up and make lunches, as well as do our girls hair.  Aside from another emergency run to the bathroom, I was ok.  I drove them to school, and although they were neck and neck with the bell, I think they were on time.

After that, I came home with my baby and the sun began to come out.  The sunlight and day always helps.  I made myself eat a little because I know that I do so much better that way.  Refusing to think about the consequences helped.

Now it's time to get doing some chores, and I'll start with laundry.  I'm managing this anxiety, and although it holds my body hostage, today it hasn't bowled over my mind.  In fact, my body is even beginning to follow suit, and I can feel the intensity calming down a little.

Give me a few more hours and it will be like I didn't even  have trouble today.  And if not, It will be better later.  It always is.

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